The great MacBook Pro Self-Humiliation Movement of 2006

In response to a growing number of complaints that Apple’s new MacBook Pro machines have heat and whining issues, the OSx86 Project has issued a call for a unified one-day assault on Apple’s call centers with, well, whining.

Apparently they expect Steve Jobs to come out and say, “Oh, well we weren’t actually going to do anything about the heat or the noise, but since everyone swamped our call centers with lots of bullshit griping all on one day, I guess we’ll somehow make powerful electronic components not emit heat or audible noise! Thanks for the valuable feedback, guys! It never fucking occurred to us!”

Get real. This is a childish stunt. You blew the money, and you’re upset the computer isn’t God’s own teat. Condolences. The most anyone can hope to achieve by this is a building full of annoyed support reps, people just like us (don’t we all know at least one person who does now or has in the past wrangled phones for Apple?), who have no power over the design of the hardware, and who have no actual route for communicating your issues to the engineers. Don’t you understand? This will never leave the call floor.

Most likely, you’ll all just delay response times for new Mac users with legitimate complaints that a tier-1 monkey can actually *help* with. Meanwhile, Apple’s engineers will continue to find ways to improve things as best they can within the specifications and tolerances of design and manufacture. This little demonstration will accomplish nothing, except to contribute to the impression that Mac users are sniveling babies. -5, Asinine.

Here’s a thought. If you bought it and you have time to return it, send it back! Apple will sense your pout a little more plainly if you *aren’t* giving them thousands of dollars than if you *are* giving them thousands of dollars, regardless of how many phone calls their support representatives take. If you don’t have time to return it, sell it to someone who wants one and isn’t bothered by natural byproducts of compact electronics. Buy a machine that meets your needs. Everybody wins. Why not organize a “Take back your overheating Mac” day?

Oh wait. You want it anyway.

“Let me get this straight,” you might say, “These people should go without the tool they need to get their work done because to complain in any other fashion is ‘a childish stunt?’ It seems pretty clear to me that the standard methods of handling issues like this have already been tried: letter-writing, phone calls to the corporate office, emails, etc. If they can’t be without the machine they need TO GET THEIR WORK DONE, what else are they supposed to do? Especially if they are now well outside the term available to them to get their money back?”

Well, there are ways to fix this sort of problem quickly, decisively, and with much more direct influence over Apple’s course into the future. You find the equipment that meets your needs, which would apparently include running cool and running silently. Consider a G4 PowerBook, an iMac or tower. If you require an Intel chip, buy a Thinkpad or something. It’s something you can actually do to get a working machine in your hands immediately, so you can, as you might say, get your work done. It’s pro-active, it sends the message that the MBP isn’t worth your money, and your operation doesn’t skip a beat.

It’s a childish stunt to stage a protest in the face of those powerless to help you, who in fact may well be sympathetic, but who have absolutely no opportunity to contribute feedback to Apple’s hardware design team. This little demonstration is just pouting at the babysitter. In the end it’ll only make everyone’s lives a bigger pain in the ass. People will wonder why Mac users are reviled for their prissy and incessant moaning, and why phone support is increasingly distant, automated, and mechanized.

It only upsets me because I’m fully in favor of effective activism. People should take action if they expect anything to change. There’s far too much arrogance and complacency embedded in our society for the transgressions of those with wealth and power to be allowed to stand. But you may as well try to overwhelm Time and Temperature to induce a thunderstorm of meatballs and gravy as to call college kids in Austin to get a cooler MBP in your lap. It just makes us all look stupid.

No, the best course of action seems clear enough to me. If you’re glaring into the screen with your arms crossed asking me just how I think these people should go about it, I’ll tell you.

All-out, full-scale military assault.

We rally at the gates at midnight. Pitchforks in hand, skewering the crushed and twisted carcasses of Apple’s worthless and disgusting machines, we’ll converge on the object of our unbridled hatred. As a teeming mass of screaming desk jockeys, we’ll curl our lips bloodied by the jagged shreds of brushed aluminum torn with bare teeth from the vile hardware like the flesh of a crude and horriffic beast! We shall clutch torches rolled with black mock turtlenecks in effigy of the smug and pompous vegan nightmare that has plunged our beloved computer and software manufacturer into a pit of fecal orgiastic perversion and bloody eternal anal torture!!

RISE UP citizen geek-nerd, the computer is AT LAST YOURS!

Are we not ARTIST? Are we not GENIUS? Are we not KEEPER of thise crude and savage EARTH? TOO LONG have we tolerated these abuses carried out in our name, in the name of FREEDOM! INNOVATION! WE are the innovators! We ARE the keepers! AND WE MUST NOW CRUSH THE VILE REPRESSOR, AND RECLAIM THE RIGHTEOUS COOL-RUNNING POWERBOOK THAT -GOD- HIMSELF HAS PROMISED US TO BE RIGHTFULLY OURS!! FROM THIS DAY, TO THE END OF DAYS!!!! Our day has COME, COMRADES, AND I TELL YOU TODAY… BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL,

WE … SHALL … PREVAIL!!!!

TO THE BLOGS! TO THE BLOGS! TO THE BLOGS!!!

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